Shy Nudists?

So here I sit, looking at clothing websites and actually going into real stores doing my best to find suitable clothes for the new job and a fun cocktail/party dress for an upcoming silly event with friends in a few weeks.

And I’m not having any luck at all which leads to me being extremely frustrated.  My main problem isn’t so much that I’m horribly overweight (and I completely accept that, even though I would still like to shed 10-15 pounds).  My issue with clothes comes from the simple fact that my top half is two whole sizes bigger than my bottom half.

I’m sure you can imagine my grief when I absolutely fall in love with an adorable little dress only to try one size on and have the zipper promptly stop half way up my back.  Normally this is what happens next:

  • Massive huge sigh
  • Try next size up
  • Still won’t zip completely, although this is a little better
  • Try next size up
  • Success!  The dress zips completely!
  • Oh, but look…the bottom half looks like a circus tent.

I know the most simple way to deal with this is to buy the size that fits the biggest half of me and have it tailored down to fit the rest of me, but I get so tired of that.  Just once I would like to be able to go into a store, see something I like, and being able to buy and wear it without issue.

Here’s the next dilemma: my working out won’t do a thing to fix this.  If anything, it’s going to make this issue worse.  I’ve accepted another fact in my life: I inherited some rather voluminous upper bits.  They only got bigger after I had two kids, and no matter how much my weight waxes and wanes, they stay massive.  Now I’m sure a portion of you reading this are all, “woo, boobs,” but I’m here to tell you boobs aren’t all fun and games.  I have serious issues trying to find a bra size that actually fits and doesn’t resemble something an 86-year-old great-grandmother would wear.  God forbid I find something in a festive color or pattern.  I’ve completely given up hope on that.  Other than bra issues, I’m pretty much out of luck when it comes to button-up shirts, unless, again, I opt for something much larger than my actual size and have it tailored down.


I’d move to a nudist colony if I wasn’t so shy.


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