Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Sibling Woes

Apparently my hair will hold two pounds of water.  Who knew?

I discovered that little tidbit this morning.  Out of pure curiosity, I weighed myself before and after taking a shower.  The difference was exactly two pounds.   I desperately need a haircut, is what this experience is telling me.

In other news, my sister is coming to town today with her husband and three children.

Let me put this out there, before I go on my age-old rant about my sister’s visits: I love my sister.  I do.

What I do not love is how I’m compared to her.  My sister and I are ridiculously different in most aspects.  She homeschools her three children and is a health nut to the point where I sometimes question her sanity.  She has a masters in psychology, but works part time as a receptionist at a health spa type place.   My sister is tiny and brilliant and everything I’m constantly reminded I am not.

So this weekend will be tough for me.  My tiny sibling who makes me feel clumsy and gigantic will be here and our mother will spend the entire time fawning over how great she is and how wonderful her life is going while asking me why I can’t shape up.  This can go one of two ways: it’ll either be a great motivator and I’ll actually do something about it or it’ll depress me and I’ll drink away my inferiorities.

At least I know I have better fashion sense than her.

Bandwagons are Spectacular

I really need to get this blog back on track to where it’s supposed to be.  So here, friends and neighbors, is a post about my flabbiness:

I’ve been feeling really disheartened lately and been doing my best to avoid looking in mirrors and definitely avoided even going near my scale.  In fact, for a while there, I had hidden it away in a bathroom cabinet so I wouldn’t have to see it sitting there, glaringly accusing me of being a fat slacker.

Granted, I’m still below my original weight of when I started this endeavor, so it’s not all a total loss, but I’m still no where near where I would like to be.  I’ve been dealing with this for a few weeks now, and have finally decided to actually do something about it.

I’ve stuck to my plan of whenever-it-was-I-posted-about-it of giving up cokes.  I can count on one hand the times I’ve had a soft drink since then, and those times, I don’t really fell bad about.  To be honest, since not drinking them, the occasional one I do have tastes ridiculously thick and sweet and not really all that enjoyable.

Along the same line of giving stuff up, I’ve given up red meat.  I didn’t even realize I was doing this initially, until one day, while trying to plan dinner, I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had red meat.  From there, I made it a conscious choice.  I’m having to eat more iron-rich vegetables since then in order to keep my iron levels somewhat normal, but other than that, it’s been a breeze.  I haven’t felt this good about my eating choices since my stint as a vegetarian in 2005.

So now that I have my eating habits under control, I need to work on the exercise portion.  I’m continuing my early morning yoga, but that’s mostly stretching and not a whole lot else.  I suppose I should add in some crunches or jumping jacks or something.

I’ll get right on that.

Today’s weigh-in: 146.2

Failure

A bit of background before I jump head first into this post.  I left my ex-husband about a year and a half ago.  If I’m wanting to be exact, it was the day before my younger son’s first birthday.  I should have left long before then, but fear kept me there.  Fear of what he’d do if I left, fear of what I’d become, fear of having to raise two boys on my own…  Needless to say, that decision was the hardest I’ve ever had to make, despite the reasons for my wanting to leave in the first place.  Cut to present: he and I are civil for the most part, but the longest we spend in one another’s company is maybe ten minutes at the most.

Today, I had to spend two hours with him in a car.  Cue anxiety, cue nausea, cue stress.  And all before actually meeting him.  Oddly enough, the ride itself wasn’t awful.  A bit disconcerting as he was affectionate: a hand on mine when he noticed the tension, stroking my hair to relax me.  My brain was screaming at me the entire two hours, but I managed through it without visibly panicking.  No, that came later.

And now that I’m finally breathing regularly and my heart rate has slowed to a normal pulse roughly six hours later, i’m left with the thoughts the day’s screaming had covered. 

My marriage was a complete and utter failure.  I accept that.  It needed to end for me to have any sort of happiness in my life.  However, sense then, it seems all I’ve been doing is failing. 

I’m sure it’s just my anxiety-ridden mind making me think this, but what is the point of trying if I’m only going to fail?  Or, for that matter, what’s the point of life in general?  We go to school, work, then die, trying desperately to fill our lives with friendship, love and happiness during.  Friendships wax and wane, though, lovers will break your heart and happiness is fleeting at best. 

I’m to the point of giving up the effort.

Former Dudes in Blissful Duos

What do you do when your ex comes to you with his current relationship problems?  Bite your tongue and play the sympathetic ear.

Bear with me, y’all.  This one might be long and incoherent.

I’ve always been one of those people who stays on friendly terms with their former relationships.  People change over a course of time, meet new people they’re more compatible with, relationships end.  I get that.  I don’t feel like that’s a good reason to cast someone you obviously cared for out of your life.  That being said, having exes as friends brings up the sometimes uncomfortable subject of their current relationships.  And it’s not that I’m not happy for my former dudes to be in blissful duos, I just don’t necessarily know how to handle myself when they talk about them.  And even that’s not entirely true.  I’m okay with it for the most part, it’s just lately, given my poor attitude towards relationships and love (i know, sappy gag, get over it) in general, I have an underlying desire to just applaud whenever some guy who left me in tears ends up struggling with the girl who replaced me.  And I hate that feeling.  That vindictive bitchiness is not me.  I would never think to breath a word of those ill wishes to any of the parties involved, but the fact that the thoughts even enter my mind disgust me.  I hate being able to say “I told you so” in that sort of situation.

Which brings me to my next point.  I have a tendency to be repetitive in my dating cycles.  More than once I’ve dated a dude, we broke up, had relationships with other people and then ended up back together months (sometimes years) later.  This sort of thing can’t possibly be healthy for me.  I know that these guys put me aside for another girl or because they were bored with me or whatever other reason, but yet, thanks to the friendship thing, I’m there whenever they’re rebounding from their recently failed relationships.  Granted i don’t do this with EVERY guy I go out with, just the select few who really broke my heart and I can never seem to stay away from.  I know mentally this is not a sane thing to do.  I know it and yet I have no intention of stopping, mainly because I think, subconsciously, I have come to the conclusion I will never be able to meet someone new.  Which makes more and more sense the more I think about it.  I’m terribly shy and self-conscious.  There’s no way I’m going to draw the attention of some random passer-by and have him fawn after me.  Life just doesn’t work like that.  And frankly, rural southwest Mississippi just doesn’t have an abundance of the kind of funny, charming nerdy guys I’m drawn to, and on a similar note, the few that are here are much more interested in the conventionally attractive girl.  You know the kind, tall, usually blonde, wears way too much eye liner…

I’m not sure if it’s the lack of sleep that has me feeling like this or the recent events of the past few months, but whichever it is, there needs to be some life changes coming up and not just ones that reflect on my physical self.

Avocado issues

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I’ve gathered from the stats page of my blog that there are a whole half dozen of you who read this, so imagine my surprise when I start getting all sorts of traffic on days I don’t post anything!  Special thanks to Annie for getting my name out there and essentially doubling my meager readership!  Read her stuff (like you aren’t already); she’s a funny gal.

Meanwhile, in the non-blog-pimping news, things on the flabby front are staying pretty much the same.  I’m holding strong on the no coke thing, which as I mentioned previously, is not so hard.  Sleep is still an issue and my weight is at its normal fluctuating plateau.

However, my ex-husband did tell me I “looked hot.”  How on earth do you react to that?  The cause of so many of my self-image issues and he’s giving me compliments.  Let me tell you, if I didn’t already have issues, I’d have some now from that encounter.  Seriously, y’all.  Don’t let your former spouse talk to you about your looks.  It’ll mess with your head something awful.

On the food side of things, I’ve realized I’ve unintentionally been vegetarian lately.  I always feel healthier when I do that, even though it’s probably not since I’m cutting out the majority of my protein intake by not eating any meat.  Vegetables are just so good, though! 

Take for instance today’s über-healthy lunch: swiss cheese and avocado quesadilla (pictured below [or maybe above, this is my first phone picture post and I’m not really sure where wordpress will stick it], please excuse my poor platter choice, I was in a hurry) and a handful of blueberries on the side.  Tasty AND not filled with grease!  I call that a win.

However, I’m still flustered over the thing with the ex.  I can never completely win.

Positivity without Sleep

Ugh, y’all.  I think I may be the worst person ever at keeping up a blog.  And that’s not internet hyperbole “ever,” that’s really “ever.”  Well, you know, maybe not, because I’m here writing now.  (From my phone, no less!  We live in the future, y’all!)

So, I once again have an event to lose weight for.  Sort of, at least.  The plan is to take a massive road trip at some point this summer with stops in Tennessee, Wisconsin and New York, as well as wherever else I find intriguing.  It’s been far too long since I’ve traveled without purpose and my gypsy roots are calling.  That being said, I want to look decent for all the folks I meet on (what I’m calling) My Journey to Wherever.

Since the beginning of the month, I’ve been doing really well about cutting back portions, so I figure I’ll add in another step.  Starting tomorrow, no more cokes (yes, cokes. Not soda or pop, but coke.  Don’t judge me.).  This (hopefully) shouldn’t be too hard for me.  I normally don’t drink much of the stuff unless I’m mixing it with rum.

The early morning yoga goal isn’t going as well as I’d like it to.  Mainly because I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in about a month.  Which, let me tell you, is really starting to catch up to me.  I’ve been a big ole pile of grump lately which isn’t normally me.  I am not a fan of grumpy me and I’m sure no one else is either.

I guess I’ll just have to work on staying positive without sleep.

Redeaux the Reboot

 

So here I am, yet again, and I suppose it’s been enough time between posts that I can officially call this a third start, or, appropriately for the day DC announced comic news thing, a reboot.

I was doing so well with slowly trading flab for what resembled toned muscle and then I got a new job that consists mostly of me sitting in an office chair, typing legal documents and talking to clients all day.  While on one hand, yay much better job, it sucks that I’m no longer on my feet all day, walking around and using muscles I forgot existed.  Simply put, no work out built into the job.  Which means I’m going to have to actually put in the effort to make a change in myself.

I gave the gym a fair shot and it just wasn’t my thing.  Once I finally got over my fear of walking through the doors, it wasn’t so bad.  However, the selection of cardio machines was lacking.  My ankles aren’t hardy enough for me to handle a treadmill for an extended amount of time, and, surprisingly, they didn’t have any stationary bikes, which was my former cardio machine of choice.  Needless to say, after the initial free trial week, I did not return.

So, here’s the plan starting tomorrow:

  • Eat better: cut out red meats, amp up the veggie intake.  Not much to do with this one, considering I don’t eat necessarily bad as it is.  I’m going to cut portions of all I do eat by at least 1/3.
  • Stretch more: I’ve been slacking lately on my daily yoga and I can feel it.  In order to fix this, the plan is to set ye olde alarm clock at least half an hour earlier so I can get in a good morning yoga routine.
  • Cardio!: I have no clue what to do with this.  I used to go running on the roads around here, but I’ve recently realized just how unsafe that is.  People drive crazy, like whoa, and I’d rather not be run down by some dude not paying attention.  Plus, y’know, it’s hot outside.

That’s really all I have for now.  Baby steps, everything in moderation, etc…  Hopefully this will get me started back on the right track and I can work up to doing more and down to my goal weight.